"HEY! LISTEN! HEY! HEY! LISTEN!" Those words are so famous at this point that gamers have been using them as ringtones on their smartphones. Navi is not a bad sidekick, per se, she's just a painfully obnoxious one. Every time she talked I would secretly hope that Link would turn to her and say:
With that same exact smile, too!
The only reason Navi isn't higher on this list is because:
1. She's actually useful from time to time, which is more than I can say for a lot of the other God awful sidekicks on this list.
...and...
2. She is the driving force behind the story of Majora's Mask. Which we all know is the best Zelda ever! (Yeah, I said it!)
Maybe it's because I find ICO horribly overrated and boring - especially in comparison to the AMAZEBALLS Shadow of the Colossus - but I find Yorda to be one of the worst sidekicks in any video game. She's absolutely fuckin' helpless, and I understand that that is part of the gameplay mechanics, but it doesn't make it any less annoying. She can't climb ledges properly, she's painfully slow, she needs you to guide her by the hand, and God for-fuckin'-bid you get attacked by enemies.
Seriously, there is nothing more annoying than being in the middle of a puzzle and having to stop because a dark entity is dragging Yorda into some evil pit of blackness, which I presume is an allusion of a kitchen by Team ICO. When will developers learn that escort missions are some of the worst additions to video games this side of the sandbox craze? The entirety of ICO is just one enormous escort mission where you might as well be leading a quadriplegic by dragging her across the floor with a rope. Thank God the female protagonist in Shadow of the Colossus gets Sleeping Beauty Syndrome and never interrupts the flow of gameplay!
Somebody please get Xena Warrior Princess to teach this girl how to make her vagina stop bleeding.
Why is he on the Star Fox Team again? Seriously, Slippy is a fucking liability to the rest of the group, and half the missions will have you saving his (...her...erm...it's) sorry ass from getting shot down. Don't believe me? Ask yourself how many times you heard: "WOAH! HELP ME!" while playing Star Fox 64. He's awful in every way imaginable: he couldn't fly his ship out of a paper bag, he's constantly whining about taking hits while subsequently doing nothing to battle the enemies, and he has no reason to be part of the group. Peppy? A veteran. Falco? No nonsense. Fox? The capable protagonist. Krystal? Okay, she's awful too, but Slippy is awful on levels of Biblical proportion.
UGH! The psychotic hedgehog who delusionally believes that she is Sonic's girlfriend. She has been chasing Sonic through how many games now? Each time, she fails miserably, but how could she not? She's obnoxious beyond all recognition and she represent the beginning of Sonic Team's need to add stupid, bullshit characters to the series. She serves no purpose other than to be annoying. That's it. That's what she's there for.
Extra fail points because you know that in some dark, damp corner of a basement, some furry is actually getting off to her. More fail points for her grating, frustratingly awful voice...
Her only job is to make you hate the Sonic series, and she succeeds brilliantly at it, though not as well as...
Why? Dear God, why? Big is retarded. Yes, I said it: He.Is.Re.Tar.Ded. Now mail me some hate letters for being un-PC; it was totally worth it! There is no other way to describe this assburgers-laden, overweight cat whose only hobby is fishing and keeping a pet toad that outsmarts him every five minutes. As if Sonic Adventure wasn't atrocious enough of a game, here comes Big the Cat to make you want to kick all sorts of inanimate objects out of sheer anger: who in the fuck thought that a tedious, repetitive, and just plain boring fishing mini-game was exactly what a Sonic game needed? He is the epitome of gimmicks, proving the Sonic Team has been out of ideas for a long time: they don't know what to do with the Sonic. My suggestion? Kill it with Fire. And the meddling extra characters and their fat cat too.
I hate you, Big the Cat. I hate you with the ardent passion of ten thousand blazing suns.
- Kharlo -
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