MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*Cue dramatic lightning!*
EVIL! EVIL I SAY! Without evil, there can be no good...and no fun! What would be the point of playing an RPG if impending doom wasn't hovering above the main character's head (and I mean that literally at times)? This one is a shout out to the most dastardly, deadly, and outright awesome villains in video game history!
He's a giant, opera singing turd with digested corn for teeth. Need I say more? But just in case you want me to: he makes it to the list for being ingenious and hilarious in more ways than you could imagine. While Playstation fans were playing Final Fantasy and creaming themselves over an emo pretty boy, Nintendo fans were having a blast throwing toilet paper into The Great Mighty Poo's mouth. Let's cut the shit (geddit? Cut the shit? Har, har, har!): The Great Mighty Poo could make Sephiroth into his bitch if he wanted to! But he wouldn't actually do it...because deep down, at his hard, turdy core, all The Great Mighty Poo wants is to be recognized for his insanely powerful voice, and that's not really too much to ask is it?
By far one of the funniest and most entertaining villains/villain encounters in gaming. See, this is what made Conker's Bad Fur Day so good! At its core, Conker isn't really all that revolutionary: it's just a 3D platformer like any other. But the humor is what makes it so spectacular, and a 3D rendering of a giant piece of poop that sings to you is the pinnacle of that theme. Thankfully, Rare blessed us with the power of their chocolate starfishes! REJOICE!
He just refuses to die! He has more forms than a JRPG final boss, and that's what makes him so badass. His antics are always ridiculous and his purpose is always dubious, but you can't judge the man...errmmm...ghost...errmmm...pirate...errmmm...zombie thing for is his determination! He wants that governor pussy and he wants it bad! But what really puts him on this list is that he is the perfect example of why Monkey Island is such an amazing series: he is the essence of the games wrapped into a single, hilariously implausible character of biblical proportions.
This one is not only evil, she is also lyrical. She doesn't just like to laugh in your face as you fail miserably, no! She does it in rhymes, to show you that she is so superior to you that she has time to take over the world (...errm...steal Tooty's "beauty") and make poems about how much you suck. Because that's how she rolls, bitches! The bird-and-bear duo have thrice foiled her plans, but she just doesn't give up. Coming back from the dead several times, even becoming a mechanical witch at one point. I mean, really, her and LeChuck should marry and spawn babies! 400 BABIES!
Did I mention that she's an incredibly hard final boss? Yeah, she is. Underneath all the hilarity and boils, Gruntilda is actually an epic bitch. She will smack you around that final battle of Banjo-Kazooie like Ike to Tina (...and a trapdoor will open below me to take me straight to hell in 3...2...1...). And she proceeds to laugh about it the entire way through! But somehow, despite everything, it's hard not like her, gas and all...plus the T.M.I. you discover about her for her (awesome) game show is both gross and endearing: kind of like Michael Phelps!
As Bayonetta once so well put it: "Don't fuck with a witch!"
Remember the "taking candy from a baby" saying? Yeah, Pester heard it too. Then he turned Honey Badger and stopped giving a shit, so he went for the source: this evil, dastardly, altogether HA-LARIOUS villain will fuck up your piñatas like a Chonga in a parking lot fight! Picture this: you just spent the last hour and a half attracting and catching that awesome piñata you had wanted since you started the game. The sky turns a deep persimmon color as the sun sets on Piñata Island...then out of nowhere, you hear paddling footsteps coming from nearby. Well, be ready to rage unless you have a Dragonache or Limeoceros, because Professor Pester has just entered your garden intent on making you miserable.
You would think he would just slam one of your piñatas, break it, and eat its candy, but oh, no! There's more! So much more! He doesn't pick a piñata at random: he will always go for your most expensive garden residents. This means either the piñatas that are the rarest or the ones that have been with you the longest. This bastard takes no prisoners, and when he's not busy planning a way to make you break your controllers, he's sending out his Ruffians to cause general havoc.
He's a an epic douche. But he's my epic douche, and that's why I love him! Viva Piñata wouldn't be the same without his ridiculous antics, hilariously odd outfit, and overall evil ways. Professor Pester has a PhD in Douchenozzleness and he wields it wisely.
"There was even going to be a party for you [...] I invited your best friend, the companion cube. Of course, he couldn't come, because you murdered him."
GLaDOS easily takes this cake (geddit? Cake? 'cause she always talks about...ah, forget it!). There is not one villain in gaming that is as funny, entertaining, and altogether twisted as GLaDOS is. When Portal begins you encounter the A.I. program who directs you on how to pass challenges. But along the way, things start to get a little weird, and then hilarious, and then creepy and hilarious. That's why GLaDOS is winning more than Charlie Sheen: she is the perfect villain in every way and she is such an integral part of Portal that without her, the game wouldn't be nearly half as entertaining.
So fuck all the super emo, emotionally tortured villains with bloated back stories that game developers constantly want to feed us: GLaDOS is where it's at!
- Kharlo -
I'm so tired of Portal Fanbois.
ReplyDeleteGlados is great. Portal is great. It's not THAT great.
Portal is gaming perfection. There is nothing that it doesn't do right.
ReplyDeletePortal has plenty of things it doesn't do at all. Multiplayer combat, actual combat, a deep story, RPG characteristics, a main character with a personality, etc. It's just a 3d Puzzle game that people fap over as if it's revolutionized... something. Rather, it's memorable, but how many games do you see using a similar mechanic?
ReplyDeleteFew, because its a gimmick.
I guess by your definition though, Pong is also gaming perfection. There is nothing that it doesn't do right.
Ridiculous! That's like blaming Halo for not letting you use turn-based combat. Of course it doesn't have multiplayer or actual combat: if you think those are the foundations of what makes a good game, I'm sorry to say that you have a very narrow view.
ReplyDeletePortal isn't just a 3D puzzle game, it's a game made with staggering attention to detail, from the brilliant dialogue, to the pace of the story, to the delivery of the story, etc. I challenge your view that Portal's story isn't deep: needlessly complicated does not equate to "deep" by any stretch of the imagination. A story can be simple and straight forward and still have tons of depth, which Portal's does in its character design and its connection to the story of Half-Life.
Gameplay wise, the mechanics are brilliant and they're not being copied because they're so unique that if you copied them it might as well just be the same game. There is no other game out there that does what Portal does in that sense. It's not "just a 3D puzzle game," it's a game with ingenious level design, great obstacles, and an incredibly creative tool that allows to player to overcome such obstacles. It's pretty much unprecedented in the sense and THAT is what good games are made of.
Don't forget that Portal is a game that was made on a very small budget and the level of originality in it stems directly from that pressure. Portal achieved in five hours what most multimillion dollar, 20+ hours games haven't for generations and generations now.
And yes, Pong IS gaming perfection. Doubt you'd care though: I'm guess that if there isn't a pointless convoluted story and the ability to bash someone's face in that you'd be able to appreciate it for what it is and what it did.
Your basic argument is that because it's "a puzzle game," it makes it less of a game or less important. That pretty much holds absolutely no water outside of your preference for what genre you enjoy to play and what genre you do not.
The amount of bullshit you put in that post was amazing.
ReplyDeleteIt is ridiculous. You said that there is "Nothing that it doesn't do right." There are plenty of things it doesn't do at all, as I said before. Apparently, if a game implements it's bare minimum mechanics well, it makes it perfect. If you think that's what makes a game "perfect," I'm sorry to say that you have a very impractical view.
Portal is a 3d puzzle game. With a story. Stop crying. That's all it is. I'd agree, that the attention to detail, pace and delivery of story are all good. Portal does NOT have any depth to any part of it's story BESIDES Glados. But thanks for admitting it needs the Half-Life storyline to prop it up and provide the depth and detail you fap over so hard.
Please. The mechanics are brilliant because they're so unique? Therefore, they're not being copied? By anyone? Do you even play video games? I guess gaming is just an amalgamation of completely new and unused ideas, and no one ever takes awesome ideas and mechanics from other games. Right.
So let's get this straight. Portal is "a game with ingenious level design, great obstacles, and an incredibly creative tool that allows to {sic} player to overcome such obstacles." But it's not "just a 3D puzzle game." Which of those make it something besides a 3D puzzle game? And if you really feel like that makes it "unprecedented," you must have started playing games in the 2000s.
Commendable that Portal was done on a very small budget, with an interesting starting idea. I don't see how that pertains to this discussion, which is about why Portal is a great game, but it's not as amazing and revolutionary and fap worthy as you think it is.
Pong is gaming perfection in the same way that the first automobile is transportation perfection. But for a more practical term of the definition, pong was perfect for its time. But there's a reason you don't see everyone playing Pong all the time. Doubt you'd care though: I'm guessing that if there isn't some cheesy gimmick and an idol for you to fix your affectation on, you probably wouldn't be able to appreciate it for what it is and what it did.
Your basic argument that because it's a well made puzzle game, it's perfect, and due infinite praise in all its glory and perfection. That pretty much holds absolutely no water outside of your preferences of genre and what you personally have a hard on for or fap to.
My argument however, is that while portal is indeed a great game. It's not as amazing as you fanboys claim it to be. It's a small idea that was made into a small game, that was rather enjoyable, interesting, and amusing. It's not a pinnacle of gaming. Out of all the amazing villains you could have chosen, Kerrigan, Shodan, Bowser, Evil Otto, Mantis, etc., you pick Glados as your #1 video game villains.
Portal is good, it's not that great. Get over it.
LOL, seems I hit a nerve.
ReplyDeleteLiterally, your argument is that Portal is a puzzle game and therefore can't possibly be revolutionary or original or spectacular, only good. Try trolling all you want, but your argument is void of any support outside of your inability to comprehend that video games don't need immense budgets, overly complex and pointless stories, excessively bloated game mechanics, etc. to be spectacular.
I repeat: there is nothing Portal doesn't do right and there is no other game that does what Portal does. This is a fact. Not an opinion like half of your comments that have no concrete support behind them.
Just so we are clear, your inability to understand the depth and the method of story telling in Portal pretty much tells me that your skills at actually grasping what make a good story and a good execution are laughable at best. Portal's story is not only good, it's excellent, and its entirely driven by a villain who progressively changes as you move through the game. Furthermore, the level of detail in story-telling is so meticulous that even the environments themselves are part of the actual story telling process. The design of the levels were not just made for the sake of making incredibly awesome and unique obstacles for the player, but to actually give the player hints and unravel the story visually. This seems to be far beyond your comprehension: presumably because you think Super Mario is a pinnacle of story telling...
And while we're at it, I find it hilarious that you actually list villains and add Bowser in there. Thanks for the laugh, because Bowser is such a non-character that his existence is barely excusable as anything more than a minor plot point to get the Mario games into motion. There is nothing that makes Bowser special outside of the Mario RPG games, and if by Mantis you meant Psycho Mantis, then I can definitely understand where you're coming from. Metal Gear Solid as a series is a bloated mess of bad writing, terrible pacing, and ridiculously poor characters that almost never get the proper development. It explains your distaste for good, brilliantly written and well implemented characters like GLaDOS.
Regardless, using an already existent world does not in any way negate its depth. There is no reason you can't create deep stories using the same universe and if you have ever played Portal 2 you will actually begin to understand the extent of brilliance the story carries with it.
And yes, there is a reason you don't see people playing Pong all the time: it's the same reason the gaming industry is currently in the shithole and most developers are dealing with blockbuster or bankruptcy scenarios when developing new software. It's because most gamers have a knack for pretending like games are automatically bad or void if they don't cost millions to make and are not needlessly "cinematic." You forget that gaming is about the interactivity and the important part of that is the core mechanics. A game can have incredible presentation but still be passable at best if the core mechanics are poor.
That's the key difference between Portal and Half-Life 2. Half-Life 2 is a bloated, needlessly boring game while Portal breaks its ideas down to the bare gaming essences.
P.S. Saying it's good and that it's not great repeatedly doesn't actually make it true, but I guess when your arguments are really poor, that's the best you have to go by.